Weigh-in: 10/24/2011

Yes!!!!  This is after being out of town for work for 5 days, being off my game and not exercising. I also ate breakfast this morning before I thought to weigh in. I am determined to kick 30lbs in the butt before Christmas.   And I'm not really that ashy, I guess it's the flash, lol. At least that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :)

Weigh-in: 10/03/2011

Here is my official (re)starting weigh-in...excuse the furry socks, lol.

Will post something more substantial later.

SFC

Are you still with me??

So if you aren't a personal friend of mine, you probably think that I've dropped off the face of the Earth. I haven't, but I have been hanging onto the side of the weight loss wagon, with one hand, and only my pinky finger...and it was slipping, lol. Honestly, I haven't lost any weight lately, and have been gaining and losing and gaining the same 5-6lbs all summer. I decided to fully re-commit myself to this journey and I start (officially) back on Weight Watchers tomorrow.

I hope I haven't lost you and I hope you will come back and check on me from time to time. I'll start back with my weigh-in posts on Mondays as of tomorrow. See you then!!

Weigh-in: 06/27/11

First things first, huh?

So, I'm back.  I've been out of the game (but not totally off the wagon) for months now and I'm back at it.  I can say that while I've been gone, I have NOT been eating any/everything, but I also haven't been actively trying to lose weight.  I've exercised in spurts and I feel like my body is actually changing (I'll take some body shots later this eve), but as you can see, I'm at virtually the same weight I was 3 months ago.  I'm okay with that.  Well, not "okay" with it, but I'm happy that I haven't gained any weight to speak of.

Now, for those that don't know, I've started a personal weight loss page on Facebook.  I would love if you were to come interact with me there.  I plan on getting back into the swing of things with the blog and post at least twice a week, but I will probably be on Facebook a lot more and I'd love to interact with you guys!!!  Please friend me there.  My name is "Sista Fattycakes"  :D

Thanks for those of you who emailed or hit me up on FB to check on how I was doing.  Love you guys and thanks for the support.  Let's go!!!!

Hiatus is up...kinda...

Hey Lovelies!

I have been SO busy these days. I just got back from a wedding in Houston weekend before last, and now I'm prepping to go to SC this weekend for my Bestie's "surprise" shower. It's no longer a surprise, hence the quotes. Unfortunately, her Aunt died unexpectedly yesterday and we were all thrown for a loop 1) I'd just spoken to the Aunt the night before and I was so broken up. She was such a sweet, sweet lady. 2) Bestie's mom, who is helping with the shower was understandably devastated, so we weren't sure if we should cancel the shower or not. Later that day, Bestie was at the Aunt's house to find paperwork for her mother and she was told about the shower by a friend (who didn't know it was a surprise). I'm kind of glad it came out though, because know that burden is lifted regarding whether or not we should still do it. It would be different if we all lived in the same city or if we were doing it at someone's home, but since we aren't, we decided to press on. So if you pray, please say a short one for my friend's family as they go through this.

On to weight loss. AF's evil ass has been in town since late Thursday, so I decided to put off weighing until 4/25. Since I will still be in SC on Monday and probably won't be coming back to Maryland until Tuesday (depending on when the service is), I will just wait until 4/25 to weigh-in. I was dreading weighing myself during AF, so I just decided...not to. LOL

I have realized something though, I believe monthly weigh-in's might be the way to go for me. I can definitely tell in other ways (I'm having some chubby face days lately) if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I haven't quite decided yet though. I'm still excited about fitting into smaller new clothes and sizing out of some of the clothes I have. My coworker actually told me my jeans looked sloppy last week, lol. I was too excited to be offended. HA! I hope you all are doing well!

Oh, and I MUST get back on my exercise game. I think that I will try to post every other day or so what I'm doing as far as my exercise regimen. I need to be accountable and right now, I've been making every excuse not to go to the gym. There's no such thing as too busy, right?

What it do, Boos???

Shouts out to "Thirteenlbs" and "Candisias" and "WatchMiiLose" for always checking in on me. I really appreciate it!

Well, I'm still on my scale hiatus, but I've been doing pretty good. While I don't feel like I've lost much weight, I must have lost inches because I am officially down a dress size.

I usually wore a size 24 dress, sometimes a 26 depending on the "give" in the bust/hip areas, but I successfully rocked a NON-STRECH (lol) size 22 dress to a wedding in Houston this past weekend. Wanna see me?

I'm happy with how I looked, but even in my joy about being down a dress size, I know that I have to step up my game in the arm exercise area. The flab is out of control, lol. The thing that I'm most excited about is that I'm not wearing ANY shapewear, just some regular underthings. LOL!! For me...that's MAJOR!

My hiatus is supposed to be up on this coming Monday, and honestly, I'm not looking forward to meeting the scale, but I guess I will, so I can better guage my progress.

I really appreciate you all checking on me, and I'll try to do better. I have SOO much going on in the next few weeks (I will be able to expound later), but I will try to do better. I've even neglected my "regular" blog. Shameful. *waves* I hope everyone is doing well!!

See what had happened was...

...you know usually when somebody says those 5 words, they are either about to tell a lie, or make an excuse, lol.

Well, I'm not going to lie, but I am going to say something some might feel is an excuse, but I stand behind it.

I've decided to take a scale hiatus. I took the scale out of my house and put it in the trunk of my car.

I'm not taking a hiatus from losing weight or eating healthy/exercising, but I just am frustrated with the scale and have decided that I will not weigh-in until 4/11/2011. That's a 4-week break to get my mind right. For the last few weeks, it seems like I've been losing and gaining the same few pounds and the apprehension I felt coming up to Mondays was starting to weigh on me (no pun intended). I felt a sense of disappointment when I did what I was supposed to do and would get on the scale and didn't see what I wanted to see.

Losing weight is hard. Anyone who tells you it's not is a damn lie. There is an entire mental component when you have to lose a large amount of weight, especially when you first get started. For me, outside factors that affect my emotions also affect my weight loss. When I'm stress or sad, my motivation is lacking. When my motivation is lacking, any perceived failure is devastating and completely throws me off my game. I have to get my focus back. I have to rememeber why I'm doing this. I need to get back and make it interesting and make it "fun" (as fun as it can be) and not think about it like such a chore.

I still have a goal in mind, I will still track my food and remain accountable and I will still blog. :)

Weigh-in: 3/14/11

Drive-by post, will check-in tomorrow.

CURSES (Weigh-in: 3/7/11)

I have gained 5lbs since AF has been in the building. FIVE!!!!

I want to be mad, but I actually gained more than that as of a few days ago. I upped my water intake to an insane amount to try to flush out the water weight and was able to get rid of some of the bloating. I'm just annoyed. It takes me 2-3 weeks sometimes to take off 5lbs, yet all it takes is for my cycle to ACT like it wants to start and I can gain it all back in a matter of days.

UGH. I coulda had a cupcake.

**Just venting, I will shake it off in a few**
Sent via BlackBerry mobile device

I love my Twinnie!!!

So my bestie and I have youtube channels. We didn't start them (necessarily) to post all the time, but mainly to have just in case we felt like making a video. About a month ago, I posted this video:



She made a response video, but I never saw it until today when I posted the video in the last post and it came up as a "related" video. Given the fact that I've been in a funk the last week or so and just had a convo with my other best friend about how hard the weight loss journey is, this video was RIGHT ON TIME. I wanted to share both with you.



You can find her blog at http://www.watchmiilose.wordpress.com/

SistaFattyCakes Video Blog #1 3.2.11

Hi!!!

Weigh-in: 2/28/11

Weigh-in attached.

361.2

(-2.4)
Drive-by posting. Don't really feel like typing up a long post but I may do a video tomorrow. AF is lurking and all I want to do is lounge. I need to exercise.

Hope everyone is doing well!

PJ
Sent via BlackBerry mobile device

Gym Chronicles: Vol. 1

Enjoy!!

Weigh In: 2/21/11

Ya'll still with me? :)

So I'm down 0.8 from last week. Not good, but a loss is a loss is a loss, right?

Debrief:

Things within my control:
1) I exercised most every day. I think I missed a day somewhere in there, but I can't remember which one. I rocked out at the gym and I'm proud of myself. :)
2) I didn't count my points like I should have. I pretty much just fairly sensibly and didn't track. I may or may not have gone over, most days I think I was way under my points for the day. I know that's not a good habit, so I started tracking again yesterday.

Random:
1) I must be te last person alive that doesn't know about Vitatops. I went to Target and bought some and they are a LIFEsaver!!!

They are only 3pp and I swear, since I have a sweet tooth, these really do the trick. I felt like I ate something really decadent and didn't feel guilty about it. They are stored in the freezer, and you thaw by microwaving them. I actually microwave mine for about 30 seconds (more than they require) so that they are warm and the chocolate starts to melt. OMG HEAVEN!!!! :)

TTFN

Escalators and other near death experiences

When I read my girl Monique's blog the other day, I was reminded of an experience I had that I wanted to share with you.

 

See inspiration post here: http://watchmiilose.wordpress.com/2011/02/10/daily-100-other-near-death-experiences/#comments

 

I have a group of friends that all met through a specific website and those of us in the area get together from time to time.  At one point during the summer of 2008, one of the ladies' that had moved away came back to visit and we decided to all do dinner in DC.  At the time, I took public transportation to work, so I decided to just hop on the metro into DC and one of my friends would drop me off home afterwards.  The day prior, I was chatting with my boyfriend and casually mentioned the restaurant we were going to and he said "Oh, that's off Dupont Circle.  You're going to trip off of that escalator (he knows I don't like them), it's one of the longest ones in the metro system."  (I've since googled it and found that it's actually the 6th longest one...but who's counting?)  I cringed and mentioned again how much I hate escalators and we moved onto another subject.

 

The day of the meet and greet arrives and before I left work, I texted my girl that was driving and told her I was about to hop on the metro and head to DC.  She said "See you in a few" or something like that.  The train ride was uneventful and I arrived at the Dupont Circle Metro station in record time.  Then came a glitch.  When I went to exit the station, I realized that all the escalators were broken.  Damn.  I looked up at the people lugging their bags up the longest escalator I'D ever seen and then looked left to the elevators.  In line for the elevators were old people, handicapped people, people with strollers and REALLY fat people.  Clearly, I don't consider myself REALLY fat, only kind of fat.  :-/  I move pretty good for a big girl, I'll take the escalators.

 

About 1/3 of the way up, I realized I was in trouble.  My pride wouldn't let me stop, making the people behind me go around, so I kept going.  It was hot.  I started wheezing.  I should probably mention right now that sometime in 2007-08, I was diagnosed with "exertion-induced asthma", but since I didn't really exert myself on a daily basis any more than necessary, I never carried my inhaler with me.  It was at home...in a drawer...under some papers.  I can tell you exactly what went through my mind as I climbed step by agonizing step.

 

"Well M knows I'm coming, if I don't show up, she'll know something is wrong."

"I think L has my grandmother's phone number, so if they can't find me, L will know how to contact my family...I think"

"If I fall, I'm going to bowl all of these people behind me out of the way like bowling pins...and I'll be embarrassed"

"Just don't look up, keep stepping"

 

At some point (probably only halfway there) I had to stop.  I gripped onto the side for dear life and just stood there while people stepped around me.  I saw the disgust in their faces, but they were puffing and panting too so I didn't feel so bad.  I think I might have locked my knees while I stood there because all of a sudden, I felt really dizzy.  My eyes started crossing.  My heart was pounding.  My brain was jumping around like "IBTCH...what is WRONG with you?"  Well not really, but my head was throbbing.  Finally, only by the grace of God, I reached the top.  Like my Grandmother says, "I couldn't go another futha..."  So I stopped and tried to get my bearings.  My vision was blurry and I was weak in the knees.  I ended up holding on to a newspaper stand to get myself together.  Then I realized, I didn't know which way I was going.  I finally asked a FedEx or UPS guy who was parked at the light waiting, if he knew where the restaurant was, and he pointed the way.  I walked for seemingly another 5 miles to get there.  I was wheezing and dizzy and just knew that I would pass out at any second, but I was determined to just GET there.  I get there and as soon as I walked in, the group exclaimed "HEYYYYY!!!!"  I waived them ALL off and was like "I can't..." and went to the bathroom to get myself together.  About 15 minutes later, when I could talk, I finally told them what happened.  Since I was no longer in danger, I was able to laugh about it.  They thought it was pretty funny.  Clearly, when I said "I thought I was gonna DIE!" they thought I was exaggerating.  No.  I literally thought there were going to have to notify my next of kin that day. 

 

I was less mortified when 2 of the other party members came in behind me and recounted a similar story.  I couldn't feel too bad though, one of them was pregnant, and the other one is a grandmother.  My (then) 20-something, able-bodied self should have been able to keep up.  SMH

 

Anyway, that was my near-death experience.  It's really a shame that as I sit here and type this story to you that I'm probably in worse shape than I was then.  No, let me not kid myself, I'm DEFINITELY in worse shape than I was then. 

 

Blah...

Weigh-In: 2/14/11

Good Afternoon folks!!  Just checking in on this lovely Monday afternoon.  It's like 55 degrees outside!!!! 

 

So I'm up 0.6 and I am totally okay with that.  Why?  Because I had an indulgence...the one that you see there in the picture.  I was born in New York and have a lot of family in New York and Atlantic City, NJ.  When I was younger, one of the things I remember is us picking up hoagies from the White House Sub Shop on Arctic avenue in Atlantic City, and then going to the boardwalk and beach.  I remember getting on the double-decker bus with my grandmother from NY to NJ to spend the weekend in Atlantic City with her mom (Nana).  Everytime we would go back, we would get ANOTHER sub and "wrap it for travel" and eat off of it all week.  To me, those hoagies mark my Atlantic City summers and bring me a sense of nostalgia. 

 

Since my Nana died in 2008, I haven't been back to Atlantic City and that was the last time I enjoyed a White House hoagie.  When a friend of mine decided to go up for a day with her husband, I asked her to bring me back a sub...in jest.  She said "Ok, just text me what you want" and my stomach went CRAZY!!  Ya'll, I had butterflies about this sub.  It was really ridiculous.  I was so excited!  So I splurged.  I ate off my sub on Saturday AND Sunday, knowing full well that I would not be able to work off enough for my Monday morning weigh-in, but I'm okay with that.  This is a once every few years treat and I won't beat myself up about it.

 

How did YOU do this week?  :)

Reader Question

Hey folks!

One of my lovely readers sent me an email this morning and I got her permission to share her question. Maybe it'll be of interest to someone else:

SFC Reader:

Hello,
I was wondering if blogging has been helping you in this journey this far? I started reading blogs last week as a way of support in my own struggles, and haven't decided whether or not I should start one. So I was hoping to get your opinion and personal experiences this far.
Thank you!

My response:

First of all, thanks for stopping by my blog!

Second, yes, it has. For me, knowing that I have to be accountable at the very least, each week to people who are expecting me to do well helps keep me on track. I also find it therapeutic to write about my struggles with food, exercise and the emotional part of it. As you can see, my blog was just started recently, but it is already helping me to stay motivated. Anytime I post that I'm struggling with something, even if people don't comment, they email or those that know me personally will reach out to me in some other way. It really does help! The thing about blogging is this...you can make it as public or as private as you want. For me, writing is cathartic and it helps me work through issues that I might be experiencing and when I'm done, I feel better.

I suggested to a friend of mine that recently experienced a loss that she journal about it. Her issue was putting her face out there and feeling vulnerable. The good thing is that you can reveal as much or as little about yourself as you want. If you want to start your blog and add pictures (including your face) and stories, and put it out there for whomever to see, that's cool. If you want to write it and make it so that you are the only one that can view it, you can do that as well. Most blogging platforms also allow you to make your blog viewable to only those who you specifically invite. If you have a circle of friends that you want to be able to check-in on you, that's a great way to do it. It's all about your individual comfort level. When I started my blog, the first few days, I didn't tell anyone about it. Then I sent the link to several of my friends and family that are struggling with weight or health as I am. After about a week or so, I sent it to a few of my friends who aren't necessarily struggling with weight, but who I knew would be a good cheerleader for me. I also find that when I comment on others' blogs, they come back to take a look at mine. It's a great way to form a sense of camaraderie towards a common goal...healthy.

I hope this wasn't too long, but that it helped you a bit in your decision. Feel free to ask me any other questions.

:)

Have a great weekend all!!!!!

The Emotional Aspect

I watched something yesterday that took me to a bad place. That's the only way I can describe it, it just killed all motivation to do anything last night. I waited too long to eat lunch yesterday and my intention was to go home early, eat a "light" dinner (which ended up being a salad from Chipotle)sit for a few and go to Zumba at 6:55. Well that didn't happen. As I ate, I watched this thing and by the time I was done, I felt sick. I ended up talking to a friend about something unrelated for a few minutes, but when I got off the phone I just cried...and threw up. *sigh* (Let's be clear, I didn't throw up because of what I ate, I threw up because I was crying so hard)

I didn't have any motivation to do ANYthing last night. I know that I read something somewhere that exercising helps with situations like this because of the release of endorphins, but how do you even get motivated to start? I swear, if I would have had any unhealthy snacks in the house last night, it might have been a full-on binge fest, but thankfully, I've purged my kitchen. I stayed up and watched a few shows, then went to bed.

For me, the struggle is not just nutritional or physical, but emotional as well. I think that the emotional aspect is the hardest part. Sometimes I'm just not as in synch as I want to be, have to be...to be successful. I guess being in a place where I can recognize it and not allow myself to spiral out of control is half the battle, right? LOL

*sigh*

How often do you weigh?

I know on WW, they encourage you to only weigh once a week, but do you weigh more than that? For those of you who aren't following WW, how often do you weigh?

I know the premise is that your weight fluctuates so much, it's better to just weigh once a week or once a month, but I guess I get curious. PLUS, the scale is right there next to my toilet, lol.

I weighed in this morning at 365.0. I really hope it's just body/fluid changes and I haven't picked up weight. I've been doing very well this week with my eating and pretty good with my exercising as well (though some days I've done only the bare minimum of 30 minutes). Maybe I should drink more water. Maybe I should move more. I've been exhausted all week, I don't know if it's the weather or what. I guess time will tell, I have 4 more days until my official WI.

I'm a little scared...

So I had a great week this (read=last) week and my weigh-in was everything that I hoped...but I'm a little scared.

It's crazy how putting myself out here and letting everyone know that I am on this journey (for real) makes me a little afraid of messing up. It's not that I'm expecting to fail, but I guess I just have a bit of stage fright. I have been on this journey alone so many times, but never have I made it so public. Never did I have tools like Youtube, weight loss bloggers, message boards and facebook communities. I have people that check-in on me on Mondays specifically to see how I've done. That's scary. I've been able to be very honest about the weeks that I had a gain, but what about when it's not because of AF and I just don't do what I should? What about when I start building muscle and therefore gain weight...or plateau, will I be able to (for MYSELF) shelve the disappointment and continue to plug away?

One of my favorite quotes is:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson

It's my favorite quote and while logically, I know I have the right and ability to shine and succeed on this journey...the fact that this could actually be IT...is both exhilirating and overwhelming at the same time. I had several people recently tell me that I'm their inspiration and I need to keep at it because they look to me for motivation. I am leery of being that person. I've let myself down so many times that to know that other people are seeking inspiration from me...it's scary. I feel like I haven't accomplish anywhere NEAR enough to be a motivation for anyone. I've only loss just under 12lbs, and I have 10 times as much (plus some) to go. How can I be a motivation to anyone? By no means does it make me want to quit, it's just something I have to get over I suppose.

So, since I said I would always be honest with you, I had to share this.

Weigh-in: 2/7/11

Guess which blogger weighed in this morning for a total of 6 lbs down in the last week??

MEEEEEEEE, that's who!! :D

I am totally ecstatic! I know that some of it was water weight from AF leaving the building, but I am totally okay with that! Even if I attribute the 2.2lbs I gained the last 2 weeks to water weight, I still lost almost 4lbs. Hot dayum!! :)

Debrief:

Things out of my control:

1) Ummmm, can't think of anything. Other than the fact that it's not warm outside and I can't go walking outside (which is my favorite exercise when it's nice out).

Things within my control:

1) I rocked out. I love AJ for suggesting the physical challenge for February. I exercised at LEAST 30 minutes every day last week and I really think that was the key to the weight loss this week.
2) I did MUCH better on my water intake. I got in at least 100oz every day this week.


I'm so excited I can't even think straight. Let me get my thoughts together and I will come back for a real post, lol.

Smooches!!

Weigh-in: 1/31/11

Gain. Yup, another one. Even though it was "only" 0.2, the scale is still going in the wrong direction. When I got to my meeting this evening, I hopped on the scale before she was ready and she said "Oh, you must have had a good week, you are EAGER to get weighed!" I told her "No, I just want to get it over with and start a new week".

I knew that I had another gain, I just felt it. I didn't eat that bad, I had a slight indulgence over the weekend, but I stayed within my points. My period is STILL on, so maybe that's what's up. I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm shooting for 3+ pounds LOST next week to absorb the 2.2 I've gained the last week. My sister and I have the same goal, I really need to step it up.

Debrief-

Things out of my control:
1) AF in town, retaining water

Things within my control:
1) I didn't exercise with enough intensity this week.
2) Even though I've averaged over 60oz of water each day, that's only a little more than half of what I usually drink
3) I did not count my points consistently.
4) Even thought I didn't count all my points, most days I know that I didn't consume all of my points which isn't good in the long-run either.

Well obviously the things within my control outweigh the things outside of my control so I just need to suck it up and get moving and grooving.

Later Gators...

AF indulgence

So I blogged yesterday about my overwhelming craving for some red meat, specifically, a big, juicy burger. Today, I indulged. I didn't go to a deli and get a big, greasy burger, but instead, I cooked one at home.

My good friend orders from a co-op and gets fresh farm veggies, dairy and beef. We teased her when she told us that they had purchased a 1/4 of a cow. Only her, lol. So when I mentioned my craving, she offered me some ground beef and I heartily accepted. I had planned to make a burger and some sweet potato fries but this head cold and cramps are kicking my butt. Instead, I just made a stove-top burger and put together a salad with mixed baby greens, onion, walnuts, a little bit of feta cheese and some raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Tasty!!!

Sent via BlackBerry mobile device

Someone please call 911!!!!

AF is doing crazy things right now. CRAZY!!! She's acting like an old schoolyard game "Jump in, jump out and introduce yourself". She can't decide whether she wants to come, stay, go, UGH!!!

One thing that is for sure, I'm trying very hard not to eat the entire kitchen. I'm hungry. At least I think I am. I want cake, I want a burger, I want fruit, I want an eggroll. I'm friggin' hungry!! UGH!!! What do ya'll do during that time of the month? Are you as hungry as I am? Is there anything I can do to avoid the once a month munchies?

I've already gained 2lbs in ANTICIPATION of my cycle, I can't gain another ounce while I'm waiting for it to do it's thing.

HELP!!!!

Denial

For a while, I think I was in denial about the state of my health. Maybe, in some ways, I still am. It's like I excused my weight/health because I was nice, bubbly and pretty. At least *I* think I'm pretty (lol). When I put on weight, I kind of brushed it under the rug because I figured since I didn't LOOK like I weighed as much as I do (in my opinion), I never had to tell anyone how much I weighed. I've asked people how much I looked like I weighed before and honestly, they've never come close. In some ways, I relished that because I felt like I was getting over. I knew that I had a few more rolls and bulges here and there, but if I look good in my clothes, nobody would know except the person I was getting naked with and since I've never had any complaints in that department, I figured I was okay, lol.

I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days because while I started this blog for accountability, I haven't shared it publicly with the masses...mainly because my weight is listed here and I have included unflattering pictures. To be honest, I don't care about the pictures as much as I care about my weight. I still think I'm a bit delusional. I feel like it everyone now knows exactly what I weigh, I can't hide anymore.

If you were to tell a story and say "so this big 350-400 pound woman said...", I would never picture myself as the subject of the story, but I am. The fact remains that I'm closer to 400lbs than I am to 300lbs. The fact remains that I am bigger than most of the women that go on The Biggest Loser. The remains that no matter how cute I think I am, I am still super morbidly obese by medical standards. I don't think, until now, that I've been quite ready to own up to that. I didn't want the judgment. I didn't want the stigma. I didn't want to admit that for all of the things in my life that I'm good at, and that I can control, I am failing in this area, miserably.

Today is a new day.

Official WI

*sigh*

Debrief-

Things out of my control:
1) Retaining water b/c AF is lurking
2) Fighting a cold
3) Stressed out earlier in the week

Things within my control:
1) I only exercised once this week
2) I probably could have drank more water
3) I went to bed late everyday last week and didn't get enough sleep.
4) I watched what I ate, but didn't officially record my points.

I see what I can change, and I will. Hopefully next week I will go back in the right direction.

Sent via BlackBerry mobile device

RIP Jack Lalanne

I came across this video on my friend AJ's FB page this morning and it's crazy how watching these other videos of his show makes me understand why he was such a visionary. Every single thing that he's touting back then...clean eating, sugarholics, avoiding white flour and sugar, how to grocery shop, etc...all of these things are what we know is important now. I've watched a few of his videos this morning and it is amazing how "right" he was back then. He said in several of them that "I am not a crackpot like they say" or some variation, I just think it's funny how when someone is a visionary and they come before their time, people look at their ideas as radical. If only more people would have paid MORE attention to Mr. Lalanne.

Take a look at some of his videos. Cheaper than going out and buying a bunch of the new books and DVDs that are out, and it's the same information. :)

Unofficial WI

So I usually weigh myself in the morning on Mondays, just to gauge my progress, even though my "official" WW WI isn't until 5:30.
Pic attached. (Don't be jealous of my fluffy purple socks.)
I am kind of disappointed, but I know that AF is overdue, so let's just blame it on that. No signs of it, but I know it is coming. *sigh*
I'll check in later.

Sent via BlackBerry mobile device

My vices

I read this post last week and it really hit home for me.  Carbs and especially sugar are my true vices, and I think I may suffer from sugar addiction.

Cake (hence the name)
Cookies (specifically Golden Oreos...yum)
Ice Cream (Edy's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)
Chocolate (Snicker Bars)
Chips (Utz plain ripple chips with Utz sour cream and onion dip)
Bread
Pasta
Rice

Lawdhammercy.  I'm only admitting this because I need to have full disclosure, right? 

I have no will-power when it comes to these things.  If it's here, I will eat it, consistently until it's gone.  I will daydream during my work-day about coming home to have a cookie.  I've devoured an entire pack of cookies in like 2 days before.  One time, I threw a pack out after eating half of it in a few hours.  Then I ended up taking it back out of the trash (it was on the top and closed...doesn't make it better, but still, lol) and ate more cookies.  I ended up having to pour dish detergent on the cookies and then putting them in the trash to "ruin" them to stop me from eating them.  That's crazy.  This my reality. 

My father is a smoker, but he also has emphysema.  He has about 20% capacity in one lung and the other looks like "swiss cheese", yet he still smokes.  I get so angry when he smokes and if someone buys him cigarettes I get angry with them too for enabling him.  I feel like he cares nothing about his health and don't understand why he could be so irresponsible when he knows that the cigarettes are killing him slowly.  But honestly, who am I to sit in judgement?  I'm allowing myself to cookie and cake my way into an early grave also.  An addiction is an addiction is an addiction. 

As they say in AA, I'm taking it one day at a time.

A picture is worth...

Before pictures:



I will post my weight pictures every week (either a scale pic or the WW print out).  My WIs (weigh-ins) are Mondays, so I will try to post Monday evening or sometime on Tuesdays.  If I take too long, feel free to send me a message telling me to quit tripping, lol.  I need the accountability.

...with a single step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

I have a long way to go.  It's daunting to think about, but I won't.  I have to lose the weight pound by pound, inch by inch.  It's taken me about 20 years to get to this point, and I can't expect to just snap my fingers and be back to my pre-pubescent weight.  That's where it all started.  Recently I realized that from the time I was about 10 or 12, until a few years ago, my clothing size had gone up to correlate with my age.  Not purposely of course, but I've gotten gradually bigger and bigger until I am now in a size 26 (some 24s) at 30 years old.  I'm 5'10" and for most of my teen and early adult years, I justified gaining weight because I was taller and curvy and it's equally distributed.  Crock. of. Shit.  Excuse my French.  In a Weight Watchers meeting I attended in 2006, I picked up something..."Sometimes we try to rationalize the bad choices we make with rational lies."  I've been rationalizing with rational lies.  I guess I AM "equally distributed", sounds a hell of a lot better than saying I'm "big all over", lol.

I signed up for a WW meeting in April 2006 after reaching my then-highest weight of 361.  I'd just moved 3 states away, dealt with the sickness and eventual death of my "PopPop", a cancer diagnosis/treatment/surgery with my grandmother, job-hunting, etc etc.  I just looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw.  I'd always been shapely and though I thought I was "big", I'd always embraced it.  But in April of 2006, the morning of my grandmother's mastectomy, I found myself so distraught.  I couldn't find anything to wear.  The hospital was about an hour away and we had to leave around 5am to get her situated, but I held everyone up because I simply felt fat in everything I put on.  While she was in surgery, I left the hospital to get breakfast and came across a Weight Watchers meeting.  I joined, stayed for the meeting and went back to the hospital to deal with my GMa.  Over the next few months, I followed the plan religiously, and got down to 309.

As I said before, I know how to lose weight.

The problem is that I haven't yet figured out how to 1) keep losing weight and 2) keep it off.  As I sit here and type to you, I must admit that when I went back to Weight Watchers about 7 weeks ago, my weight was 372.  Yeah.  I gained back everything I lost...plus some.  I've consistently lost when I HAVE weighed in (I missed a week or 2 during the holidays), but the progress is slow.  That's why I'm here.  I need help.  Something is broken and I'm going to try my hardest to fix it.  Not because I have clothes that I'd like to fit back into.  Not because I'm a maid of honor in my best friend's May wedding.  Not because I cringe everytime I get on a plane because I'm scared that I won't fit.  Not because I am increasingly more and more out of breath by doing simple tasks.  Not because I have developed asthma, and I know it's exacerbated by the extra weight.  Not because I miss my pretty, shapely legs and cringe when I see the fatty overhang around the front and back of my knees.  Not because I totally embarrassed myself on a recent vacation when I was too heavy to get on the jetski.  Not because I loathe my meaty arms and the "batwings" I've developed.  Not because I can't run around with my Goddie like I'd like to. 

I have to fix it because...well, it's broken.  I'm broken.  Somewhere in there, something isn't connecting and I have to figure it out.  I do well at so many other things and this will NOT be the thing to be the boss of me.  I'm way too stubborn for that.  I am the author of the dictionary that defines me and I will not allow obesity  or an unhealthy lifestyle keep me from doing anything that I want to do.  Not anymore.  I'm gonna fix this.

I know how to lose weight.

I know how to lose weight.  So why am I still fat?

That is the million dollar question.  That is the question that I will attempt to answer here.  I know that I have underlying issues and bad habits that need to be worked through and/or eliminated, and I make no excuses.  I know how to lose weight, I think any overweight person "knows" how to lose weight.  Move more and eat less, right?  Well, I am here to tell you that it's much, MUCH easier said than done.  All I can do is try to examine my thought process of how I got here, so that once I "fix" me, I don't ever have to START this journey again. 

I'm starting this blog for accountability purposes.  I need a place to document my success, my struggles and hopefully I will accumulate some friends that will take this journey with me.  I tried Twitter, but I just think I'm more of a blogger than a Twitterer/Tweeter/Tweety.  (WTH do you even call it?)  I talk way too much, and I'm sorry, I just didn't have the patience to figure out the retweet, tagging and other intricacies.  At any rate, feel free to contact me with supportive advice, questions or whatever.  I would love to  know that people are out there and I'm not alone in this.

Thanks for stopping by!  :)