Saturday, January 22, 2011

...with a single step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

I have a long way to go.  It's daunting to think about, but I won't.  I have to lose the weight pound by pound, inch by inch.  It's taken me about 20 years to get to this point, and I can't expect to just snap my fingers and be back to my pre-pubescent weight.  That's where it all started.  Recently I realized that from the time I was about 10 or 12, until a few years ago, my clothing size had gone up to correlate with my age.  Not purposely of course, but I've gotten gradually bigger and bigger until I am now in a size 26 (some 24s) at 30 years old.  I'm 5'10" and for most of my teen and early adult years, I justified gaining weight because I was taller and curvy and it's equally distributed.  Crock. of. Shit.  Excuse my French.  In a Weight Watchers meeting I attended in 2006, I picked up something..."Sometimes we try to rationalize the bad choices we make with rational lies."  I've been rationalizing with rational lies.  I guess I AM "equally distributed", sounds a hell of a lot better than saying I'm "big all over", lol.

I signed up for a WW meeting in April 2006 after reaching my then-highest weight of 361.  I'd just moved 3 states away, dealt with the sickness and eventual death of my "PopPop", a cancer diagnosis/treatment/surgery with my grandmother, job-hunting, etc etc.  I just looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw.  I'd always been shapely and though I thought I was "big", I'd always embraced it.  But in April of 2006, the morning of my grandmother's mastectomy, I found myself so distraught.  I couldn't find anything to wear.  The hospital was about an hour away and we had to leave around 5am to get her situated, but I held everyone up because I simply felt fat in everything I put on.  While she was in surgery, I left the hospital to get breakfast and came across a Weight Watchers meeting.  I joined, stayed for the meeting and went back to the hospital to deal with my GMa.  Over the next few months, I followed the plan religiously, and got down to 309.

As I said before, I know how to lose weight.

The problem is that I haven't yet figured out how to 1) keep losing weight and 2) keep it off.  As I sit here and type to you, I must admit that when I went back to Weight Watchers about 7 weeks ago, my weight was 372.  Yeah.  I gained back everything I some.  I've consistently lost when I HAVE weighed in (I missed a week or 2 during the holidays), but the progress is slow.  That's why I'm here.  I need help.  Something is broken and I'm going to try my hardest to fix it.  Not because I have clothes that I'd like to fit back into.  Not because I'm a maid of honor in my best friend's May wedding.  Not because I cringe everytime I get on a plane because I'm scared that I won't fit.  Not because I am increasingly more and more out of breath by doing simple tasks.  Not because I have developed asthma, and I know it's exacerbated by the extra weight.  Not because I miss my pretty, shapely legs and cringe when I see the fatty overhang around the front and back of my knees.  Not because I totally embarrassed myself on a recent vacation when I was too heavy to get on the jetski.  Not because I loathe my meaty arms and the "batwings" I've developed.  Not because I can't run around with my Goddie like I'd like to. 

I have to fix it because...well, it's broken.  I'm broken.  Somewhere in there, something isn't connecting and I have to figure it out.  I do well at so many other things and this will NOT be the thing to be the boss of me.  I'm way too stubborn for that.  I am the author of the dictionary that defines me and I will not allow obesity  or an unhealthy lifestyle keep me from doing anything that I want to do.  Not anymore.  I'm gonna fix this.


  1. i'm sorry i keep leaving comments...but i totally feel you on being mortified on not being able to participate in something due to my weight. In charlotte, they have the us whitewater center, where there is white water rafting, ziplining, rock climbing and all sorts of fun activities. Well I wanted to do the zip line. the problem is that there is a weight limit to the activitiy. I've done it several times before, and I just get a rush out of it. I knew that (naked - after my morning potty break - lol) i was at the weight limit, so pretty much breathing would cause me to go over the scale. All of my more fit colleagues happily went on the zip line. well, i didnt realize that there was an actual scale that EVERYBODY had to get on to verify weight. At that moment, I decided to avoid the embarrassment and not step on that scale. Of course, i made some ridiculous rationalization/excuse. I vowed that the next time I returned to the whitewater center, I would be able to fully participate in EVERYTHING the center offered.

  2. You can leave as many comments as you want, lol.

    I have really embarrassing pictures from vacation where I damn near sunk the jetski when I was getting on. The guys were helping me on and then it tipped and I fell. They were gonna help me back on, they kept saying "It's okay, it's okay" and I just panicked and said "No, I changed my mind". The instructor said he would take me out himself and that if I went home without doing it, I'd be disappointed, but I was just like "No, I changed my mind". Though I was embarrassed and my feelings were hurt, I didn't even shed a tear. I kind of had this attitude like "Well that's what happens when you're fat...maybe next time." And kind of moved on.

    *sigh* Yeah. I don't like being to be the odd man out because of my weight. No fun...