Weigh-in: 1/31/11

Gain. Yup, another one. Even though it was "only" 0.2, the scale is still going in the wrong direction. When I got to my meeting this evening, I hopped on the scale before she was ready and she said "Oh, you must have had a good week, you are EAGER to get weighed!" I told her "No, I just want to get it over with and start a new week".

I knew that I had another gain, I just felt it. I didn't eat that bad, I had a slight indulgence over the weekend, but I stayed within my points. My period is STILL on, so maybe that's what's up. I don't know, but what I do know is that I'm shooting for 3+ pounds LOST next week to absorb the 2.2 I've gained the last week. My sister and I have the same goal, I really need to step it up.

Debrief-

Things out of my control:
1) AF in town, retaining water

Things within my control:
1) I didn't exercise with enough intensity this week.
2) Even though I've averaged over 60oz of water each day, that's only a little more than half of what I usually drink
3) I did not count my points consistently.
4) Even thought I didn't count all my points, most days I know that I didn't consume all of my points which isn't good in the long-run either.

Well obviously the things within my control outweigh the things outside of my control so I just need to suck it up and get moving and grooving.

Later Gators...

AF indulgence

So I blogged yesterday about my overwhelming craving for some red meat, specifically, a big, juicy burger. Today, I indulged. I didn't go to a deli and get a big, greasy burger, but instead, I cooked one at home.

My good friend orders from a co-op and gets fresh farm veggies, dairy and beef. We teased her when she told us that they had purchased a 1/4 of a cow. Only her, lol. So when I mentioned my craving, she offered me some ground beef and I heartily accepted. I had planned to make a burger and some sweet potato fries but this head cold and cramps are kicking my butt. Instead, I just made a stove-top burger and put together a salad with mixed baby greens, onion, walnuts, a little bit of feta cheese and some raspberry vinaigrette dressing.

Tasty!!!

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Someone please call 911!!!!

AF is doing crazy things right now. CRAZY!!! She's acting like an old schoolyard game "Jump in, jump out and introduce yourself". She can't decide whether she wants to come, stay, go, UGH!!!

One thing that is for sure, I'm trying very hard not to eat the entire kitchen. I'm hungry. At least I think I am. I want cake, I want a burger, I want fruit, I want an eggroll. I'm friggin' hungry!! UGH!!! What do ya'll do during that time of the month? Are you as hungry as I am? Is there anything I can do to avoid the once a month munchies?

I've already gained 2lbs in ANTICIPATION of my cycle, I can't gain another ounce while I'm waiting for it to do it's thing.

HELP!!!!

Denial

For a while, I think I was in denial about the state of my health. Maybe, in some ways, I still am. It's like I excused my weight/health because I was nice, bubbly and pretty. At least *I* think I'm pretty (lol). When I put on weight, I kind of brushed it under the rug because I figured since I didn't LOOK like I weighed as much as I do (in my opinion), I never had to tell anyone how much I weighed. I've asked people how much I looked like I weighed before and honestly, they've never come close. In some ways, I relished that because I felt like I was getting over. I knew that I had a few more rolls and bulges here and there, but if I look good in my clothes, nobody would know except the person I was getting naked with and since I've never had any complaints in that department, I figured I was okay, lol.

I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days because while I started this blog for accountability, I haven't shared it publicly with the masses...mainly because my weight is listed here and I have included unflattering pictures. To be honest, I don't care about the pictures as much as I care about my weight. I still think I'm a bit delusional. I feel like it everyone now knows exactly what I weigh, I can't hide anymore.

If you were to tell a story and say "so this big 350-400 pound woman said...", I would never picture myself as the subject of the story, but I am. The fact remains that I'm closer to 400lbs than I am to 300lbs. The fact remains that I am bigger than most of the women that go on The Biggest Loser. The remains that no matter how cute I think I am, I am still super morbidly obese by medical standards. I don't think, until now, that I've been quite ready to own up to that. I didn't want the judgment. I didn't want the stigma. I didn't want to admit that for all of the things in my life that I'm good at, and that I can control, I am failing in this area, miserably.

Today is a new day.

Official WI

*sigh*

Debrief-

Things out of my control:
1) Retaining water b/c AF is lurking
2) Fighting a cold
3) Stressed out earlier in the week

Things within my control:
1) I only exercised once this week
2) I probably could have drank more water
3) I went to bed late everyday last week and didn't get enough sleep.
4) I watched what I ate, but didn't officially record my points.

I see what I can change, and I will. Hopefully next week I will go back in the right direction.

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RIP Jack Lalanne

I came across this video on my friend AJ's FB page this morning and it's crazy how watching these other videos of his show makes me understand why he was such a visionary. Every single thing that he's touting back then...clean eating, sugarholics, avoiding white flour and sugar, how to grocery shop, etc...all of these things are what we know is important now. I've watched a few of his videos this morning and it is amazing how "right" he was back then. He said in several of them that "I am not a crackpot like they say" or some variation, I just think it's funny how when someone is a visionary and they come before their time, people look at their ideas as radical. If only more people would have paid MORE attention to Mr. Lalanne.

Take a look at some of his videos. Cheaper than going out and buying a bunch of the new books and DVDs that are out, and it's the same information. :)

Unofficial WI

So I usually weigh myself in the morning on Mondays, just to gauge my progress, even though my "official" WW WI isn't until 5:30.
Pic attached. (Don't be jealous of my fluffy purple socks.)
I am kind of disappointed, but I know that AF is overdue, so let's just blame it on that. No signs of it, but I know it is coming. *sigh*
I'll check in later.

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My vices

I read this post last week and it really hit home for me.  Carbs and especially sugar are my true vices, and I think I may suffer from sugar addiction.

Cake (hence the name)
Cookies (specifically Golden Oreos...yum)
Ice Cream (Edy's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)
Chocolate (Snicker Bars)
Chips (Utz plain ripple chips with Utz sour cream and onion dip)
Bread
Pasta
Rice

Lawdhammercy.  I'm only admitting this because I need to have full disclosure, right? 

I have no will-power when it comes to these things.  If it's here, I will eat it, consistently until it's gone.  I will daydream during my work-day about coming home to have a cookie.  I've devoured an entire pack of cookies in like 2 days before.  One time, I threw a pack out after eating half of it in a few hours.  Then I ended up taking it back out of the trash (it was on the top and closed...doesn't make it better, but still, lol) and ate more cookies.  I ended up having to pour dish detergent on the cookies and then putting them in the trash to "ruin" them to stop me from eating them.  That's crazy.  This my reality. 

My father is a smoker, but he also has emphysema.  He has about 20% capacity in one lung and the other looks like "swiss cheese", yet he still smokes.  I get so angry when he smokes and if someone buys him cigarettes I get angry with them too for enabling him.  I feel like he cares nothing about his health and don't understand why he could be so irresponsible when he knows that the cigarettes are killing him slowly.  But honestly, who am I to sit in judgement?  I'm allowing myself to cookie and cake my way into an early grave also.  An addiction is an addiction is an addiction. 

As they say in AA, I'm taking it one day at a time.

A picture is worth...

Before pictures:



I will post my weight pictures every week (either a scale pic or the WW print out).  My WIs (weigh-ins) are Mondays, so I will try to post Monday evening or sometime on Tuesdays.  If I take too long, feel free to send me a message telling me to quit tripping, lol.  I need the accountability.

...with a single step.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

I have a long way to go.  It's daunting to think about, but I won't.  I have to lose the weight pound by pound, inch by inch.  It's taken me about 20 years to get to this point, and I can't expect to just snap my fingers and be back to my pre-pubescent weight.  That's where it all started.  Recently I realized that from the time I was about 10 or 12, until a few years ago, my clothing size had gone up to correlate with my age.  Not purposely of course, but I've gotten gradually bigger and bigger until I am now in a size 26 (some 24s) at 30 years old.  I'm 5'10" and for most of my teen and early adult years, I justified gaining weight because I was taller and curvy and it's equally distributed.  Crock. of. Shit.  Excuse my French.  In a Weight Watchers meeting I attended in 2006, I picked up something..."Sometimes we try to rationalize the bad choices we make with rational lies."  I've been rationalizing with rational lies.  I guess I AM "equally distributed", sounds a hell of a lot better than saying I'm "big all over", lol.

I signed up for a WW meeting in April 2006 after reaching my then-highest weight of 361.  I'd just moved 3 states away, dealt with the sickness and eventual death of my "PopPop", a cancer diagnosis/treatment/surgery with my grandmother, job-hunting, etc etc.  I just looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw.  I'd always been shapely and though I thought I was "big", I'd always embraced it.  But in April of 2006, the morning of my grandmother's mastectomy, I found myself so distraught.  I couldn't find anything to wear.  The hospital was about an hour away and we had to leave around 5am to get her situated, but I held everyone up because I simply felt fat in everything I put on.  While she was in surgery, I left the hospital to get breakfast and came across a Weight Watchers meeting.  I joined, stayed for the meeting and went back to the hospital to deal with my GMa.  Over the next few months, I followed the plan religiously, and got down to 309.

As I said before, I know how to lose weight.

The problem is that I haven't yet figured out how to 1) keep losing weight and 2) keep it off.  As I sit here and type to you, I must admit that when I went back to Weight Watchers about 7 weeks ago, my weight was 372.  Yeah.  I gained back everything I lost...plus some.  I've consistently lost when I HAVE weighed in (I missed a week or 2 during the holidays), but the progress is slow.  That's why I'm here.  I need help.  Something is broken and I'm going to try my hardest to fix it.  Not because I have clothes that I'd like to fit back into.  Not because I'm a maid of honor in my best friend's May wedding.  Not because I cringe everytime I get on a plane because I'm scared that I won't fit.  Not because I am increasingly more and more out of breath by doing simple tasks.  Not because I have developed asthma, and I know it's exacerbated by the extra weight.  Not because I miss my pretty, shapely legs and cringe when I see the fatty overhang around the front and back of my knees.  Not because I totally embarrassed myself on a recent vacation when I was too heavy to get on the jetski.  Not because I loathe my meaty arms and the "batwings" I've developed.  Not because I can't run around with my Goddie like I'd like to. 

I have to fix it because...well, it's broken.  I'm broken.  Somewhere in there, something isn't connecting and I have to figure it out.  I do well at so many other things and this will NOT be the thing to be the boss of me.  I'm way too stubborn for that.  I am the author of the dictionary that defines me and I will not allow obesity  or an unhealthy lifestyle keep me from doing anything that I want to do.  Not anymore.  I'm gonna fix this.

I know how to lose weight.

I know how to lose weight.  So why am I still fat?

That is the million dollar question.  That is the question that I will attempt to answer here.  I know that I have underlying issues and bad habits that need to be worked through and/or eliminated, and I make no excuses.  I know how to lose weight, I think any overweight person "knows" how to lose weight.  Move more and eat less, right?  Well, I am here to tell you that it's much, MUCH easier said than done.  All I can do is try to examine my thought process of how I got here, so that once I "fix" me, I don't ever have to START this journey again. 

I'm starting this blog for accountability purposes.  I need a place to document my success, my struggles and hopefully I will accumulate some friends that will take this journey with me.  I tried Twitter, but I just think I'm more of a blogger than a Twitterer/Tweeter/Tweety.  (WTH do you even call it?)  I talk way too much, and I'm sorry, I just didn't have the patience to figure out the retweet, tagging and other intricacies.  At any rate, feel free to contact me with supportive advice, questions or whatever.  I would love to  know that people are out there and I'm not alone in this.

Thanks for stopping by!  :)