Denial

For a while, I think I was in denial about the state of my health. Maybe, in some ways, I still am. It's like I excused my weight/health because I was nice, bubbly and pretty. At least *I* think I'm pretty (lol). When I put on weight, I kind of brushed it under the rug because I figured since I didn't LOOK like I weighed as much as I do (in my opinion), I never had to tell anyone how much I weighed. I've asked people how much I looked like I weighed before and honestly, they've never come close. In some ways, I relished that because I felt like I was getting over. I knew that I had a few more rolls and bulges here and there, but if I look good in my clothes, nobody would know except the person I was getting naked with and since I've never had any complaints in that department, I figured I was okay, lol.

I've been thinking about that a lot the last few days because while I started this blog for accountability, I haven't shared it publicly with the masses...mainly because my weight is listed here and I have included unflattering pictures. To be honest, I don't care about the pictures as much as I care about my weight. I still think I'm a bit delusional. I feel like it everyone now knows exactly what I weigh, I can't hide anymore.

If you were to tell a story and say "so this big 350-400 pound woman said...", I would never picture myself as the subject of the story, but I am. The fact remains that I'm closer to 400lbs than I am to 300lbs. The fact remains that I am bigger than most of the women that go on The Biggest Loser. The remains that no matter how cute I think I am, I am still super morbidly obese by medical standards. I don't think, until now, that I've been quite ready to own up to that. I didn't want the judgment. I didn't want the stigma. I didn't want to admit that for all of the things in my life that I'm good at, and that I can control, I am failing in this area, miserably.

Today is a new day.